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trying not to kill yourself when you whisper it to yourself is really hard.  thankfully i have gotten through that.  my life is terribly great.  For once i have friends.  I'm angry about stuff, but I'm letting things go.  I can't hate my dad for never being there.  He didn't know how.  Does that erase how I feel?  No.  But I can forgive him even if his actions were unjustifiable.  I can't hate my mom for not supporting me the way I would like her too.  She doesn't know.  She's trying her best.  I cannot change anyone.  I can only change myself. 

Godbless supernatural.
Godbless Dean Winchester
Godbless
It's been a rough life. I want to do YouTube more, but ugh.  
There are so many things wrong with this world and I just want to try and change it. 
I want to be loved sometimes.  It's very hard to watch girls talk about prom and their dates when I never went to prom.  I was never asked.  That stings.  Of course I didn't do anything wrong, it just feels like I did.  
Sometimes I worry that I'll never be loved.  I guess I'm just too weird to live.  

Going to a councilor is strange.  I have to talk about my feelings and try not to lie.  I cry a lot.  I started off this year with a good feeling, but the motivation and the energy is fading.  I want to be new again.  

I want to know one of my professors better.  Idk about you, but I get connections with people a lot.  I see them, and I hear small bits about their life, and I get obsessed.  I want to know more.  I don't stalk them, of course, but I want to scream to them to talk to me.  I want to spill my secrets and thoughts into people.
I feel like I see things in a peculiar way.  I see us filling up space.  I see the air filled with people, and not people surrounded by air.  It's like looking at an illusion for a while, and you finally see the second image.  

I think it's funny how people classify their genders on such a spectrum with so many words and phrases.  If gender isn't one or the other, then  making more categories is basically one or the other or the other etc.  And I find it funny that these same people shun white people for saying things like "I'm 50% German." when they're like "no you're whit shut up."

I feel like I don't make sense any more.
Sometimes I wonder if I've got something wrong with me.  I just can't say things right a lot of times.  I guess my brain works so fast that the words mush together.  

Sometimes I just want my counselor to prescribe me drugs to make me happy.


I feel neglected even though I know my friends care about me deeply, I'm afraid I care more.  I mean one friend has a huge group of friends all over the place, and he other has a boyfriend and friends at home.
But all I have is them.
I just feel so left out.  

I wonder if I'll ever get a diagnosis, or if i'll just be 'symptoms of depression and anxiety.'

being with people is nice because i don't have time to think about being sad
but tonight my friends are gone
and i remember how sad i am
about the stupid things in life
the burdens i feel i have
the constant nagging and reminders

i don't get it
strangers on the internet complement me more than people in real life
why is that?

i look ahead at my life and i wonder
what will i do
what is the point
i stay alive because I'm afraid when I die there won't be anything.

i didn't realize how tiring it is to be alive
i should probably shower but i'm so tired
god i'm so tired
it's really hard to tell my friends about my mom because I say stuff that i think is normal or just slightly bad
and they gasp or look at me like "wow that's bad" and I wonder what their parents do

I'm not ungrateful
i'm just sad
i feel disappointed with my life.
i guess schools good
my gpa is a 3.62, but it needs to be higher
i always need to be better than i am.

god it's so hard to realize how sad you actually are.
up until now I thought i was finally happy fuck

im fat too so thats great
im so lonely
i have such great friends but for some reason i feel like i need more
i have this gap i need to fill and i don't know how nor do i know why it's there
my ears hurt goodnight

ps i probably wont upload art for a few years idk i won't start my art minor until junior year sorry id
  • Mood: Defeated
  • Listening to: ---
  • Reading: My Name is Memory - Anne Brashares
  • Watching: Supernatural
  • Playing: ---
  • Eating: too much
  • Drinking: too much
From a Distance
05.07.14
Close my eyes and I can see.
See a world where I am happy.
Breathing in and breathing out
With no reason to fight or shout
Acceptance here and acceptance there
For once everything in life is fair
Hard work pays off and everyone is equal
And we have brought down the wretched eagle
No hate or discrimination
No suicide or elimination.
We are one. We are unique.
Perfect and beautiful at our peak
Hand in hand we sing in unison
Where everyone is their own musician
We march to our own beat, and we don’t care,
And no one gets angered and no one glares.
One we are, happy we are
We all beat with the same heart
But then I open my eyes again
And my hopes ceases to ascend
Hope for humanity is lost
Wars over beliefs, but at what cost?
Kill your brother and your sister
And destroy those so-called free-thinkers.
Down with equal rights,
Just because you’re white
No one else deserves what you have been given.
Oh how the blood glistens
Same skull, same heart
But somehow race tears us apart.
Same femur, same brain,
But slaughter over religions that you find strange.
Same bones, same veins
But we destroy over opposing names.
This vendetta must end,
Or our society will continue to descend.
Singular
05.07.14
She puts me down with just a look.
It slams me shut like a book.
What can I say?
I am just this way.
It’s not like I have a choice.
In retribution, she squawks her voice.
No, I’m wrong, it’s always my fault
Her words sting like an open wound and salt.
I like to be alone, but I love friends.
I’m sorry that they never work out in the end.
I guess you’re right, it’s always my fault.
I’m the reason that friendships halt.
I’m ruthless, I’m cruel, and I am mean.
I’m sorry; I just want to be more than a machine.
Do this for her, that for him.
Is it wrong that my patience is running thin?
I want someone who cars as much as I do.
A loving person for me is overdue.
But it’s still my fault, I’m merely a loser
However, I never asked you to be my ruler.
Is it that bad to want someone else to try?
I’m always the one to try, but why?
I’ve lost hope, I’ve given up.
Is it so wrong that I’m going to erupt?
I give everyone my best, but they give me their worst.
If I did the same, these people would surely burst.
What if they knew the trouble I’ve been through?
What if they knew the pain I accrue?
What if they saw the scars on my leg?
What if they saw the anxiety in my head?
What if they saw me for who I really am?
They would gawk and run screaming: “Goddamn!”
There’s a reason I hide behind closed doors.
Because of the battles and the wars.
The Fight
05.06.14
The mirror is my enemy.
It points out what’s wrong with my anatomy.
Protruding hips and tiny slits
The image causes a desire to spit.
Who am I? I am you.
You are a Capulet, and I am a Montague.
Pale skin and far from thin
My fraternal twin.
Plain as day, clear as glass.
“There’s something you don’t seem to grasp.
No one wants you, you’re unloved.
It’s simple, dear, you’re not good enough.
Take the blade and make your exit
It’s better than failing at being anorexic.
It won’t hurt; it’s what you’ve been doing.
There’s a storm coming, and it’s brewing.”
I look at the scars and fat upon my body.
Maybe she’s right, I mean look how sloppy!
“Reach for the weapon, come on, you’ve got it!”
Don’t worry it’s only permanent.
There’s only one choice, I must act now.
I’d just live with her throughout life anyhow.
It’s easier to die, and escape the voice.
It’s the most reasonable choice.
Razor in hand, her by my side.
This is it, I can no longer hide.
I clench my fists in rage,
I cannot be forced into a cage!
I walk away, and I refuse.
I refuse to be removed!
You’ll have to try another day
Because you won’t get to me today.
Constant
Unknown
The white snow flutters softly to the ground;
The chilly air signals winter has come.
I stand on the street with no one around.
Oh, the lonely season has just begun.

The days are shorter; the nights are longer.
Why does this isolation never end?
It feels like the wind is getting stronger.
The frozen flakes continue to descend.

Suddenly, as soon as it came, it left.
The freezing temperatures melt away.
The winter was stolen, quite like a theft,
But the spring has come and is here to stay.

Although the winter was quite beautiful,
The springtime is a great deal more blissful.

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Art-By-Stephanie
Stephanie
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
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Interests
trying not to kill yourself when you whisper it to yourself is really hard.  thankfully i have gotten through that.  my life is terribly great.  For once i have friends.  I'm angry about stuff, but I'm letting things go.  I can't hate my dad for never being there.  He didn't know how.  Does that erase how I feel?  No.  But I can forgive him even if his actions were unjustifiable.  I can't hate my mom for not supporting me the way I would like her too.  She doesn't know.  She's trying her best.  I cannot change anyone.  I can only change myself. 

Godbless supernatural.
Godbless Dean Winchester
Godbless
It's been a rough life. I want to do YouTube more, but ugh.  
There are so many things wrong with this world and I just want to try and change it. 
I want to be loved sometimes.  It's very hard to watch girls talk about prom and their dates when I never went to prom.  I was never asked.  That stings.  Of course I didn't do anything wrong, it just feels like I did.  
Sometimes I worry that I'll never be loved.  I guess I'm just too weird to live.  

Going to a councilor is strange.  I have to talk about my feelings and try not to lie.  I cry a lot.  I started off this year with a good feeling, but the motivation and the energy is fading.  I want to be new again.  

I want to know one of my professors better.  Idk about you, but I get connections with people a lot.  I see them, and I hear small bits about their life, and I get obsessed.  I want to know more.  I don't stalk them, of course, but I want to scream to them to talk to me.  I want to spill my secrets and thoughts into people.
I feel like I see things in a peculiar way.  I see us filling up space.  I see the air filled with people, and not people surrounded by air.  It's like looking at an illusion for a while, and you finally see the second image.  

I think it's funny how people classify their genders on such a spectrum with so many words and phrases.  If gender isn't one or the other, then  making more categories is basically one or the other or the other etc.  And I find it funny that these same people shun white people for saying things like "I'm 50% German." when they're like "no you're whit shut up."

I feel like I don't make sense any more.
Sometimes I wonder if I've got something wrong with me.  I just can't say things right a lot of times.  I guess my brain works so fast that the words mush together.  

Sometimes I just want my counselor to prescribe me drugs to make me happy.


I feel neglected even though I know my friends care about me deeply, I'm afraid I care more.  I mean one friend has a huge group of friends all over the place, and he other has a boyfriend and friends at home.
But all I have is them.
I just feel so left out.  

I wonder if I'll ever get a diagnosis, or if i'll just be 'symptoms of depression and anxiety.'

being with people is nice because i don't have time to think about being sad
but tonight my friends are gone
and i remember how sad i am
about the stupid things in life
the burdens i feel i have
the constant nagging and reminders

i don't get it
strangers on the internet complement me more than people in real life
why is that?

i look ahead at my life and i wonder
what will i do
what is the point
i stay alive because I'm afraid when I die there won't be anything.

i didn't realize how tiring it is to be alive
i should probably shower but i'm so tired
god i'm so tired
it's really hard to tell my friends about my mom because I say stuff that i think is normal or just slightly bad
and they gasp or look at me like "wow that's bad" and I wonder what their parents do

I'm not ungrateful
i'm just sad
i feel disappointed with my life.
i guess schools good
my gpa is a 3.62, but it needs to be higher
i always need to be better than i am.

god it's so hard to realize how sad you actually are.
up until now I thought i was finally happy fuck

im fat too so thats great
im so lonely
i have such great friends but for some reason i feel like i need more
i have this gap i need to fill and i don't know how nor do i know why it's there
my ears hurt goodnight

ps i probably wont upload art for a few years idk i won't start my art minor until junior year sorry id
  • Mood: Defeated
  • Listening to: ---
  • Reading: My Name is Memory - Anne Brashares
  • Watching: Supernatural
  • Playing: ---
  • Eating: too much
  • Drinking: too much

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Hey look, I want a donation pool for a friend of mine.

I'm hoping on getting her a PM for her birthday or something. It'd be really great if you donated a point instead of thanking me for a favorite.

But I understand if you don't have any! <3

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:iconphostructor:
Phostructor Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2014
I'm dropping a note to all my watchers:
Thank you for Looking and Liking.

Please check out the charity Humble Starlight Project in the next few days. If you like what you see you may want to pass the word to people you know,  and to people on dA. Here is the link:
humblestarlight.wordpress.com/…
Reply
:icontheradfoxen1985:
TheRadFoxen1985 Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Bby :}D
Reply
:iconcobaltblue22:
CoBaLtBlUe22 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2014
Hi! So I haven't been on this website in AGES. I happened to come on for no reason at all today and I was looking through my old notes and noticed an old conversation between us! Apparently you also like Steve Perry. Some things don't change, I'm sure, if you're anything like me. So I clicked on your profile and I saw all your Lana stuff and FREAKED OUT. Lana del BAE. Then I saw you live in SC. I LIVE IN SC. Then I saw you were watching HIMYM in your journal, and HIMYM is my favorite show of all time and I have been watching it since 2005. I literally just finished the ninth season for the second time fifteen minutes ago. Bottom line: You are my long lost BFF. Hope you are well long lost BFF!!! :wave:
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconf0xenbperry:
F0XENBPERRY Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Surprise! *looks below* Who's THAT imposter? ):C Hehehehe
Reply
:iconthe8osfox:
The8OsFox Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Found you! ):D And.. Oh! Hapy Birthday! *huggles*
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconmoodyblue:
MoodyBlue Featured By Owner May 9, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Have a great Bday my lovely friend Stephanie! :clap:
Health and happiness to you! :rose: :hug:
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconmangaartsora:
MangaArtSora Featured By Owner May 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy Birthday, Stephanie! Huggle! 
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconibo007:
ibo007 Featured By Owner May 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I hope that your birthday is great, cause it is a good reason to celebrate. And for that I say:-
Happy Birthday!! Hope your day is filled with lots of love and laughter! May all your birthday wishes come true. Let this day be full of joy and celebration. I hope that today is the beginning of another wonderful year for you. Don’t look for a heaven in the sky. Make your own heaven right here.
Blowing out another candle should mean that you have lived another year with joy and you've made this world a better place. Make every day of your life and every candle count. Have a delightful birthday!
:):):):):):):):):):):):):);););););););););););););):D:D:D:D:D:D
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconaso-designer:
Aso-Designer Featured By Owner May 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy birthday! =)
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconemmasvarietyarts:
EmmasVarietyArts Featured By Owner May 9, 2014
happy b-day :3
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