trying not to kill yourself when you whisper it to yourself is really hard. thankfully i have gotten through that. my life is terribly great. For once i have friends. I'm angry about stuff, but I'm letting things go. I can't hate my dad for never being there. He didn't know how. Does that erase how I feel? No. But I can forgive him even if his actions were unjustifiable. I can't hate my mom for not supporting me the way I would like her too. She doesn't know. She's trying her best. I cannot change anyone. I can only change myself.
Godbless Dean Winchester
It's been a rough life. I want to do YouTube more, but ugh.
There are so many things wrong with this world and I just want to try and change it.
I want to be loved sometimes. It's very hard to watch girls talk about prom and their dates when I never went to prom. I was never asked. That stings. Of course I didn't do anything wrong, it just feels like I did.
Sometimes I worry that I'll never be loved. I guess I'm just too weird to live.
Going to a councilor is strange. I have to talk about my feelings and try not to lie. I cry a lot. I started off this year with a good feeling, but the motivation and the energy is fading. I want to be new again.
I want to know one of my professors better. Idk about you, but I get connections with people a lot. I see them, and I hear small bits about their life, and I get obsessed. I want to know more. I don't stalk them, of course, but I want to scream to them to talk to me. I want to spill my secrets and thoughts into people.
I feel like I see things in a peculiar way. I see us filling up space. I see the air filled with people, and not people surrounded by air. It's like looking at an illusion for a while, and you finally see the second image.
I think it's funny how people classify their genders on such a spectrum with so many words and phrases. If gender isn't one or the other, then making more categories is basically one or the other or the other etc. And I find it funny that these same people shun white people for saying things like "I'm 50% German." when they're like "no you're whit shut up."
I feel like I don't make sense any more.
Sometimes I wonder if I've got something wrong with me. I just can't say things right a lot of times. I guess my brain works so fast that the words mush together.
Sometimes I just want my counselor to prescribe me drugs to make me happy.
I feel neglected even though I know my friends care about me deeply, I'm afraid I care more. I mean one friend has a huge group of friends all over the place, and he other has a boyfriend and friends at home.
But all I have is them.
I just feel so left out.
I wonder if I'll ever get a diagnosis, or if i'll just be 'symptoms of depression and anxiety.'
being with people is nice because i don't have time to think about being sad
but tonight my friends are gone
and i remember how sad i am
about the stupid things in life
the burdens i feel i have
the constant nagging and reminders
i don't get it
strangers on the internet complement me more than people in real life
why is that?
i look ahead at my life and i wonder
what will i do
what is the point
i stay alive because I'm afraid when I die there won't be anything.
i didn't realize how tiring it is to be alive
i should probably shower but i'm so tired
god i'm so tired
it's really hard to tell my friends about my mom because I say stuff that i think is normal or just slightly bad
and they gasp or look at me like "wow that's bad" and I wonder what their parents do
I'm not ungrateful
i'm just sad
i feel disappointed with my life.
i guess schools good
my gpa is a 3.62, but it needs to be higher
i always need to be better than i am.
god it's so hard to realize how sad you actually are.
up until now I thought i was finally happy fuck
im fat too so thats great
im so lonely
i have such great friends but for some reason i feel like i need more
i have this gap i need to fill and i don't know how nor do i know why it's there
my ears hurt goodnight
ps i probably wont upload art for a few years idk i won't start my art minor until junior year sorry id